10-Year Old Captures 6-Foot Alligator, Rides It Home

Here is the first national news story in the life of our future President: 10-year-old Michael Dasher of Rockledge, Florida, said he was fishing with his friends from the side of a canal when he accidentally snagged a six-foot alligator. Now, this is where my national news story would end. There would be a big headline reading “LOCAL OAF CHILD DEVOURED BY WATER BEAST.” Because Dasher is not me, he reacted to a charging SIX FOOT LONG GODDAMN ALLIGATOR by hitting it with sticks and jumping on its back. He then captured the animal like this was some real life episode of Pokémon and dragged it home, suffering only minor scratches. I don’t care how Bieber-esque this kid is, he rules. And I hope he uses the alligator to combat small birds.

Unfortunately, nobody else thinks so…

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